Are you still auditioning for your own life?
Lots of us know what an audition feels like. Walk into a room, do your best, hope they like you, and wait to find out whether you got the part...eek!
But what happens when you already have the part and you're still auditioning?
It happens in places that have nothing to do with a stage. Trying to be the easygoing friend when you're actually pissed. Wanting to look successful to people who aren't paying your bills. Walking into a room you've already been invited into and still feeling like you have to prove you belong there.
Even trying to be “fine” when you're absolutely not fine. At some point, it's worth asking: What exactly are you still auditioning for?
You can hear it when you're auditioning
Needing approval has a funny way of sneaking into the way we communicate. Over-explaining. Qualifying an opinion you actually feel pretty strongly about. Apologizing before asking for something when you've done nothing wrong. Saying “maybe” when you mean “absolutely.” Filling every second of silence because suddenly the quiet feels uncomfortable.
Sometimes it's taking a story that could be told in 90 seconds and somehow turning it into ten minutes because you're working so hard to make sure everyone understands you. That you're flexible. Easygoing. Not complaining. Not too much.
Wanting to communicate well isn't the problem. Neither is caring how you come across. There's a big difference between wanting to do well and needing somebody else to approve of you.
Confidence is noticing that you're auditioning and coming back to yourself.
That's a much more realistic version of confidence than pretending we'll eventually reach an age where we stop caring what anyone thinks. Most of us probably aren't getting there. Maybe we don't need to.
When seeking approval becomes the problem
Of course it matters whether we're good partners, parents, friends, and professionals. It matters how we affect people. Constructive feedback matters. Apologizing when we're wrong matters. Doing a good job matters.
That's not auditioning. The audition starts when you begin editing yourself in hopes that somebody else will choose you. That's when caring about someone's opinion quietly turns into letting that opinion determine how you show up. And sometimes we're doing all of this for people we're not even sure we like! Seeking approval has a funny way of sneaking into the way we communicate.
Some roles are already yours
This gets especially interesting when relationships change. Parents of adult children know this one. The kids grow up, become independent, build lives of their own, and suddenly they don't need us in quite the same way. That can leave a strange little instinct to audition for relevance.
But our children loving us and our children needing us aren't the same thing. They're actually very different. The same concepts can show up all over the place. A long marriage shouldn't become a permanent audition to be the cool spouse. A decades-long friendship shouldn't require a weekly tryout. Walking into a professional room doesn't erase everything that happened before you got there.
There's still room to grow, change, listen, apologize, and do better. That's very different from constantly trying to earn a place you've already earned.
Who has the scorecard?
Maybe that's the part worth paying attention to. Not whether we've finally become confident enough to stop caring what anyone thinks. Not whether we can walk into every room completely sure of ourselves. Just who we're allowing to keep score.
There will probably always be moments when we catch ourselves explaining too much, trying too hard to make everyone comfortable, or hoping somebody thinks we're smart, funny, successful, attractive, or whatever happens to matter that day.
Fine. Notice it. It's not that we have to stop caring. Maybe we just need to stop handing everyone else the scorecard. The role is already ours.
Do a deep dive:
Are you trying out for roles you are already in? Auditioning for parts in life you already have? In this episode, we’ll talk about all the things….
Go ahead - step into the role of your lifetime
Work with Mindy one-on-one and learn how to see yourself more clearly...
Mindy Baer is a Certified Life Coach & Communication Specialist who works with people who are ready to take charge of the moment and find new ways to say "yes" to what comes next... MORE ABOUT MINDY
